Proceed With Caution

   Well, I had a nice happy post prepared, with lot's of new pictures of places and critters to share. A sappy story with a morale and a message... Then I found out I was out of photo storage on my free google account. The option of resolution they offered was to upgrade my account and pay for more storage. I decided to delete a couple of previous posts to create space for new pictures. But then found out it may take more than forty-eight hours for the change to reflect in my available storage. Call it cheap, call it broke, doesn't matter I'm both. I can't afford to put money into my blog of thirty-three members. Not even three bucks a month. This blog hasn't made me any money... And even though some form of advertising is in my future here, in all reality this blog will probably never make any money. That's just reality.
   I hope you don't take that wrong. I've gotten everything I wanted out of this endeavor, and more. It has been an extremely rewarding experience. This is a place I can come and say whatever I want, and I do. And as much as I want my words to reach and affect people, you can read it or not... It doesn't matter to me. This is my therapy, my outlet, my out-reach, my education, and my reality.
   None of that is what I came here to talk about though, I figured that since I could not post pictures for a time, I would write about things that don't require pictures. No beautiful animals, colorful flowers, vibrant scenery, or family photos. No fluffy words, or padded messages. Although hopefully, I will end with a morale to the story. Today I came to write about reality.
   If you are a sensitive reader, turn back now. This isn't for you. If you are a member of my family, proceed with caution... Or don't read further. If you are some one that sees me through the rose colored glasses an internet friendship creates, you may be in for a surprise. In other words... If you don't want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly, this is the time to hit the back-button and go back to facebook, or G+, or where ever it is you came here from, and forget you ever came here.

   Over the last... Oh, fifteen to twenty years. I have gotten the same question from a number of people. Important people, my family, my life-long friends. Even sometimes when they don't ask me directly, I can see the question in their eyes... "Jon, where has the smile gone?"
   Admittedly, I am not as playful as I once was. I don't laugh as often, or smile as much. I have a more serious attitude, and somewhat resigned outlook. I've given different people different answers to this question, usually whatever answer will end that conversation the quickest. Because the question is not really fair.
   There are a lot of things that happen in life that affect our smiles, and a lot of those things have happened in my life. A lot of those things happen in everyone's lives. I'm not special in that regard. But instead of trying to answer a loaded question... Let me propose a few questions to you, and share some experiences while I consider my answer. Then, if you can relate with any of them, you can tell me, how you have kept your own smile. And maybe we can learn together.
   I'm not going to use names, only references. The experiences I will share are brief synopsis of some very long periods of time in my life. Jump to conclusions and make assumptions at your own peril.

   I'll start with the most obvious question, and the most cliche'. Have you ever loved someone, and lost in love? I have. I gave someone my heart, which was everything I had to give. She was the love of my life. My soul-mate, if you believe in such things. But at that time in my life, I wasn't ready. It's a longer story than I want to get into here. But in the end, I wasn't ready. I left her. She left me. I haven't seen or heard from her since.  There was never a time in my life when I felt happier. There has never been a time since, that my heart has felt as full. And I never want to feel that way again. It hurt too much to lose it. And it takes a little something out of you.
   The next question I would ask, just as obvious, is have you ever been abused? I have. Physically. Sexually.  Emotionally. And as a result of the three, I believe Spiritually. I remember my step-father pulling me across the yard by my hair, screaming at me because I hadn't stacked the firewood in the back yard. Or worse yet... Of all the people I've ever known, all the low-life scumbags and ruthless characters I've run across in my days, in all the confrontations I have had with people, the only person who has literally spit in my face... Is my own father. My Hero... My Mentor. And I remember things now from younger in my childhood, things that at this point in life there is no point in mentioning, no good can come from it. But the fact remains those memories and more, are there. And it takes a little something out of you.
   From here, for me anyway, the questions get a little tougher. And the order I want to ask them is a little more difficult to choose. I'll continue with this question next, because these situations in my own life, have probably had the least impact on my ability to smile. But it has had it's affects. Have you experienced the passing of a loved one? I have, and in the last five years the rate of that happening seems to have increased. I've lost close friends, an uncle, two grand-father figures, my grandmother, my father. I am glad to be able to say that at the time of each, I was at peace with my relationship with those people. Not everyone gets that luxury, and I don't have to explain losing someone you love. It takes a little something out of you.
   Then I would ask if you've ever done anything your ashamed of? Something deplorable, something that eats at you? Something that makes it hard to sleep at night? This is one of the hardest questions for me to answer, the hardest one to be honest about. I have. And not just one thing, many things. Some worse than others. I have stolen from my family. I've lied, cheated, used, abused, deceived  the list goes on. I've killed and tortured the little creatures that I'm so sensitive and sappy about now. I have stolen and destroyed peoples property without a care or concern if it was their last. Or if it was the only something they had, that meant anything. I've done all these things and worse. I've done things that will never get written about here, things that will never get spoken of anywhere. There are some of you out there who may think I have told you my deepest, darkest secrets. I haven't. Whenever I meet someone these days that I affected in these ways I do my best to say more than I'm sorry, I try to make  it clear that I don't live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. I try to make amends with everyone I can. And do whatever good deeds I can. I've had quite a bit of success with this approach and I have made amends with most people in my life. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, and a long list of genuine friends that very few can boast. But some of these situations will never be resolved, it's not possible. And all of it together takes a more than a little something out of you.
   I only have a couple of questions left. Then I'll try to make all of this make sense. So, next question is have you ever had to live in place, for a long period of time, where you feel lost, where every day is spent in fear? This covers a very wide variety of situations... And, as all of the questions I've asked, there are many ways one could relate to this question. I have. I spent about three and a half years in prison, for some of the reasons I expressed in the last question. I don't try to claim innocence, or pass responsibility. I did what I did. I paid the consequences. And I try and do live a better life now. But all those days and nights spent watching over my shoulder, all the holidays and birthdays and special events that ticked by one by one, all the missed memories... And then there are the memories that I did't miss while I was there. Those are harder to deal with still. It all takes a toll, and it takes a little something out of you.
   Some of you may be able to relate to some of these circumstances and questions, some not. We all have our own circumstances. I myself have so many more that I could add to any one of these questions. But my final question is one that I think everyone can relate to in some way or another. Have you ever felt like you try to pick yourself up, time after time to brush the dust off, only to be knocked back down to the dirt? I have. I'm sure I don't even have to get into it, it's called life, you know... And it takes a little something out of you.

   Now, I'm not writing this to try to make anyone feel sorry for me, quite the opposite really. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not trying to cause arguments in my family, or hard feelings with friends.This post is not directed at any individual. Many of the things I have discussed, and things I haven't, have been resolved many years ago. I warned you about reading this, and about jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.
   I'm not even writing this because I have been asked this question. As loaded as the question is, it's a genuine question born of love and concern. But someone else asking this question is not the reason. I'm writing this because I ask myself all the time... "Jon, where's the smile gone?" and these are some of the things that need to be considered to answer the question. I'm writing this for my own benefit and personal gain. If you can gain some insight into why I am who I am, or even better why you are who you are, all the better for it.
   I guess when all is said and done. If I had to answer that question, "Where has the smile gone?" my answer would be as follows.

   A smile is not merely a grin on someone's face. It is a look in someones eye. It's carried in their posture. The person that gives a smile feels it in their heart, and so does the person who receives it. A smile can say thank-you or your welcome, please or thank-you. A smile can say I appreciate you, or I love you. A smile can say I feel comfortable in your presence, it can say I trust you.
   Where has my smile gone? Nowhere. I still have it. I never lost it. Admittedly, I don't share it as freely. I protect it. I even hide it. But it's still there. Most smiles are not free,  and while a few are... The ones you really feel are earned. And when my smile does appear, when I do feel my smile... When you do.... It means that much more.

   So, is everyone as excited as I am to get back to posting pictures...