2012 In The Rear View

   2012 is quickly drawing towards a close. It has been quite a year. Some very good things have happened, some very bad things have happened, and yet life continues on. The memories made, and lessons learned will continue with it.

   When I started this blog in February, I was really just hoping to write about some things going on in my life to give my friends and family a way to keep up with me. I had closed my facebook account, and there were very few people that I knew on Google+, so I created the blog. I sent emails to all my friends and family with the web address of my page... The results were underwhelming. But I kept writing anyway, just because I kind of liked doing it.
   Even though I didn't get very many visits or "page views", I got something out of the writing itself. I found writing about things was an easier way to express myself than verbally, for one thing... But in expressing my thoughts in a written form gave me a chance to analyze those thoughts from a different perspective. I could read over what I said, and think about it more objectively, and in the process I have learned a great deal about myself.
   As I mentioned, I didn't get a lot of traffic to my blog in the beginning... However, that all changed when I got the wise idea to blog about a federal trial I followed in interest of a wrongly accused friend. I attended the trial every day and wrote about it here. As it happens, for a high-profile case there seemed to be very little coverage from the media, and what coverage you could find was minimal and biased. Not to say that what I wrote wasn't biased, but I'm not a journalist either. So, I was really the only one with any first hand knowledge of the trial, writing about it on a regular basis. And I got a lot of attention, more than I cared for really. Overall, I made twenty-one posts titled Smoke And Mirrors and in a little over a month I had amassed almost seven-thousand page views. I had regular visits from Washington DC, and Detroit (Which is were the trial was held.). So, I know the FBI was reading along with me. I also know some of the defense attorneys kept up with what I was writing, a couple of them even left comments for me. I assume the prosecutors would have had some interest as well. Not to mention Militias from across the country, I received more email than I ever have in my life, from militia members wanting to know more about the trial. Sometimes I was getting eighty emails a day. And then, all the defendants families and friends were also reading my blog. It was more pressure than I really wanted to deal with... But I started it... So I finished it. The trial ended up working out as good as it could have, and when it was over, I didn't look at my blog for two months.
   When I came back around it was in the middle of a family crisis. There were a number of things going on at the time, but the biggest thing was my Grand Mothers health was on a rapid decline, and there was a lot of moving her from place to place, as she went from her home to my mothers, then to the hospital, then back and forth several times form the hospital to the nursing home, until she finally won her battle and found her peace. I wrote about that briefly, but there are still sensitive matters over the ordeal within the family, so out of respect for the family after the funeral I didn't write anymore about it.  But I still miss my Granny every day, so eventually I'm sure some of those feelings will come out.
   With everything going on it made it very difficult if not impossible to post regularly. After two months off and some sporadic posts, I was right back to square one with no audience. Which really was fine. It's not like I was going to make a habit out of following federal trials, and I don't think FBI agents, and militia men have a whole lot of interest my flower pictures, or stories of cruising the back roads with my Mom.  So I was  going to have to shift my reader base anyway. And to be really honest, it still really doesn't matter to me who or how many people read what I write. I've said it before and it still holds true, I do this for me... Nobody else. I have made a couple of really good friends through blogging, and I love to hear from them. I'm sure given time I'll make even more friends, but I think it's better to just do my own thing and not worry about page views and statistics. Don't get me wrong, part of the attraction to blogging is the interaction you create with people through comments on each others blogs. And with a recent commitment to regular posting, and a  bit of networking, I have as much interaction as I need to get out of it whatever I want.
   Most of what I post on my blog is of a personal nature. I've written about my opinions, my past, my present, my future, my family, my friends, my experiences, my likes, my dislikes... Whatever happens to be on my mind when I sit down at the keyboard is what I write about. Sometimes I really like the things I come up with, sometimes I reread what I wrote and wonder what the hell I was thinking... But I always learn something from everything I post here, and that is the most important part of this whole deal for me.

   Here is a list of my top five posts (Not including Smoke and Mirrors.) of 2012, by top five I mean MY top five, not necessarily by most page views:

           On The Wings Of An Eagle... (Sort Of), This is a more recent post. I think it is probably my favorite post so far. It has some of my best pictures in it, and I really felt like I relayed what that experience was like for me. This post is low on opinion and high on experience, I think it's a post everyone can enjoy.
           A Perfect Day???, A very simple day, with a very simple message. A perfect day is all in your point of view...
           My Life In A Snapshot 1, A true story... And my first attempt at humor. I think anyone (except my Mother) can get a chuckle out of this short story.
           My Life In A Snapshot 2, I like this post because it was my first attempt at delving into some very personal feelings. This was the first post that made me feel like blogging could be personally beneficial.
            The Sunshine Blogger Award, Another attempt at humor. This post makes the list for a couple of reasons, neither of which is recognition for any "award". One reason the post is here is because it has more page views than any other post I've done... Including the Smoke and Mirrors stuff. But more than that this post was inspired by a person that without her support and encouragement, I doubt I would still be blogging here. So, thanks Menopausal Mother for being a friend. And any of you with complaints about my blog... You can hold her responsible. Follow the links in this post to her page and tell her all about it... (Well... Visit her page, but don't really complain about my blog there, okay.)

   2013... That sounds so futuristic. When I was a kid in the seventies the year 2000 seemed as much like science fiction as Star Wars. Yet here we are about to enter 2013, and out live the end of the Mayan Calender. Who'da thunk it?
   I'm hoping the new year brings less problems, and more solutions. Less tragedy, and more peace, and happiness. Fewer enemies, and more friends. I hope that I will build many more great memories with friends and family. I hope that I will continue to learn about myself, and take steps forward in life instead of backward. Mostly I want to live life, be happy, and know that when I'm gone... I did more good than harm. Who knows what really will happen. Regardless of how life unfolds, I think I'll stick around for a while and write about it some more... Here's to Speaking My Mind in 2013.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN 2013!!!  

   On a final note I will be breaking in the new year with my first guest post. I will be featuring my friend from London, Rum Punch Drunk. Rum Punch Drunk is awesome and I know if you come by for a read you'll be challenged to think about how you live in the years to come...

   And I hope to feature some of my other favorite bloggers as time goes by too... I hope you will keep reading along with me as it all unfolds...   

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

   I wanted to take the time to wish everybody a joyous holiday season. I celebrate Christmas, so from here on that's what I'll say... But you can replace it with any holiday you want, and I'll still mean it. I wish everyone to feel a little happiness in their hearts this season.
   To my Family, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love you all. I know I can be a little "grinchy" sometimes. I don't like the commercialism of it all (specialy cus I poe), but I do love this time of year. The biggest blessings I receive come this time of year. The smiles, the laughing, the making of new memories. The time I spend with you. We poke fun at each other, and laugh about it together. (Well, usually.) What I'm saying is, it is you, my family, that makes this time of year so special to me.
   Mom, Tess, Dan, Dave, Jess, Jennifer, Cayla, Jessy, Daniel, Katrina, Ty, Sophie, whether you  realize it or  not, each and every one of you has influenced my life in one way or another. You have all given me something I didn't have before, many things in fact. You enrich my life on a daily basis. You have always been there for me, and I know you always will be. That's Christmas enough for me. I hope you all find the same joy this year. Merry Christmas.
   To my aunts and uncles, my cousins here at home in Michigan, and abroad in Kentucky, Ohio, California, Montana, and various other parts of the world. I miss you  all, I wish we could see each other more often, but hey, we do the best we can. I love you all. And I hope the coming days are filled with peace, happiness, and love. Merry Christmas.
   To the Meeks family... You are also my family at heart. I have never met a more honest and genuine bunch of people. You have been my friends, and supported me through the hardest times of my life. And still we remain friends. That means something. It shows a genuine love for me, just the way I am. And I'll never forget that. I love you all too. Merry Christmas.
   I have the best friends in the world. And the list is too long to write. You know who you are, and you guys are freakin' awesome. I don't know how I ended up with so many genuine, trustworthy, reliable friends in my life, but I did. You guys are my fishing partners, my buddies... My brothers. Merry Christmas.
   To my facebook friends and blogging buddies, some of you I know personally, some of you I don't. But, I thank you all for putting smiles on my face on a daily basis. Thanks for making me think about some things in ways I may not have on my own. Thanks for giving me a little peak into your lives. Merry Christmas to you all.
   And finally, I just want to give a holler to the Stone Family and the other defendants in the Hutaree Trial. If ya'll are still reading along with me... Merry Christmas.
   I already know I am going to enjoy myself this year. I know I am going to have a merry Christmas, how could I not. Thanks to all of you.

   I can't quite stop there, it's unfortunate that not everyone is as blessed as I am. While I'm certain we ALL have things we can be thankful for, for some it's not as easy to remember that. Think about that this season, and do something nice for someone. It doesn't have to be huge... Offer a kind word, hold a door, give someone a coat, buy someone a meal. You never know how far a small thing will go. It might change someone's day, it might make someones Christmas merrier... It might change someones life. And in return, you might just get the greatest blessing of your life.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Whose Fault Is It?

   This post is going to be a little different for me. It might be a little strange, and a lot condensed. I think I could write a book about my feelings on the things I want to talk about today.I started writing a post about my feelings on the Sandy Hook tragedy. I couldn't... I don't know how I feel. There is no possible way I can comprehend what those people are feeling. I don't even have children of my own and my heart is absolutely broken for them. I don't have words for what I feel. So I thought I would address the eminent destruction of our earth tomorrow. But when I went blog-surfing today I noticed eight bloggers out of every ten were posting about Armageddon. I don't believe the hype anyway. I think life will continue on very much like it has been. That's not to say I don't think our world is in jeopardy. So I'm not going to target either subject in particular. I thought I would just write about some of  my concerns with the environment and society.

   I'm just going to dive in head first and take on my biggest environmental concern. Have you ever asked yourself why there is oil in the ground? What's it doing there? What is it's purpose? It has one you know. I'm not an educated man. I dropped out of high-school in the tenth grade. Never been to college. I'm no geologist, but I know that everything in nature has a purpose. Everything carries weight in the balance.
   So, I asked myself what do we use petroleum products for. I can think of hundreds of things, and that's the part that really scares me, we use oil for so many things, we're dependent on it. Anyway, I think I can safely lump most of oils uses into  three categories. The biggest use is obviously fuel. But we also use oil to reduce friction with lubricants, and to regulate temperature in many machines and structures.
   I think it serves similar purposes in the earth. I don't know... Does oil lubricate tectonic plates? If you take too much oil would it cause more earthquakes? Does oil help regulate the temperature of the earths core? If we suck all the oil out of the ground would it cause a global rise in temperature? Maybe we would see more volcanic eruptions, and more intense storms. I know I'm reaching... I don't have any real knowledge of such things. But, it all kinda makes sense in my mind. It seems possible. I may not know what the affects are, but I guarantee there are affects.
   We are now exploiting the deeper reserves of the earth. Every where you go on our coastlines you see the oil rigs searching for oil deeper and deeper. Why? Are the shallower reserves running out? It's not like we can put it back you know.

   And do we really all realize that we need trees to survive on this planet? I don't think we do. We keep cutting down more and more. We don't replace them... We build houses there, and department stores, industries that burn more fuel, and consume more wood.
   And it's not just cutting them down either. There have been massive fire outbreaks all around the world, decimating entire forests.
   Our climate is changing. We have eleven apple trees in our yard. We didn't pick up a single bucket of apples this fall. There weren't any. If trees don't flower and fruit properly, they don't reproduce. If they don't reproduce... Eventually we won't either.

   And what the heck is going on with the animals? Where are the Honey Bees? Why are there whole flocks of birds falling dead from the sky? Why are there fish washing up on shores across world by the tens of thousands? These are our base species, these are animals that we depend on for survival. These are animals that are critical to the balance.

   All these things are happening in our environment. There are a lot of other things going on too.  And quite frankly it scares the hell out of me. But what scares me more than any of this is... Us. People. This is OUR fault. We are the ones responsible. And we seem not to care... We don't do anything about it... We just keep trudging through our daily lives, consuming everything, hoping we make it from one day to the next without being affected by our own neighbors.
   No one takes accountability. We blame things on the Government, we blame things on nature, we blame things on our neighbors. Then we blame things on God. And in the meantime terrorists fly planes into buildings, and blow themselves and whoever else they can to pieces with a bomb. Our brothers and sisters, our mothers and fathers, are dying in wars in foreign lands, were we have no business. The ever looming threat of nuclear war grows while people are killing our children right here in our own schools, on our own streets for Pete's sake. The world has gone crazy.
   We have to wake up. We have to take accountability for the things that happen around us, because we affect those things. We make a difference in what happens around us. We have to take the blinders off and start taking responsibility, and stop passing the buck. We have to think about what we are consuming. Where did it come from? What is it's purpose? Can we replace it? Is there something better we can use? We can't continue to blindly consume whatever is given to us. If we don't consume it, there's no reason to keep producing it. The less we use, the less we have to produce. It's basic logic. We are the ones that are throwing off the balance.
   We have to get involved in our communities. We have to get to know our neighbors. We have to get involved in local government. We have to learn how to handle emergencies ourselves. We have to stop investing all our efforts into technology, and get involved personally. We have to stop being so wrapped up in our own lives and reach out to help someone who needs it. WE have to take responsibility.

   I don't know... Sometimes I think maybe things have gone to far, maybe there are things set in motion with our environment that can't be reversed. Maybe we have over-populated and are now destined to regular outbreaks of violence as people compete for their space in this world. But then, I can't help but believe that if everyone took responsibility for their own actions, and held themselves accountable for the things that happen around them, these things wouldn't happen.

   Maybe, just maybe, if someone would have taken the time, and made the commitment to helping a troubled kid in Connecticut. Maybe there would be twenty-eight people still living there. So the main question I'm left with is, whose fault is it?.. Whose fault is anything really?..
 

On The Wings Of An Eagle... (Sort Of)

    I grew up hunting and fishing. If it has to do with those things, I've probably at least tried it. Archery, rifles, hand guns, and wrist rockets. Fly fishing, ice fishing, deep-sea fishing, trolling, trot lines, and everything in between. Hiking, camping, boating, and so much more.
   But I have to say one of the coolest things I've ever done out in, and with nature, is the few opportunities I've had to go out with my falconer friends to hunt with their birds.
   I don't really hunt anymore. Hunting was something I did with my dad, and I valued the time spent with him, and the knowledge that he passed on to me. I love the thrill of the hunt. Sneaking and tracking, making a strategy to outsmart your prey. It's a thrill when you are successful at getting close enough to a wild animal to reach out and touch it. I never liked the killing though. So when I moved out of my dad's house, my hunting pretty much stopped.
   When I discovered photography my love of the hunt was renewed. The things I like to take pictures of, and the modest equipment that I have, still require all the same skills as hunting only when you pull the "trigger" you get a photo to take home with you instead of meat. And I can go to the grocery store to get that. I'm not anti-hunting by any means. I think ethical hunting is necessary to the balance of nature.

   I'm getting away from my topic though. This first set of pictures is of my friend Scott and his Red-tail Hawk Chloe. Scott has invited me to go out with him and his birds a few times. Chloe is the first hawk I "met" up close. And I was very impressed.
   The first time Scott invited me out, I really had no idea what to expect. I hadn't ever done anything like it. But I was not going to miss the opportunity to interact with these awesome birds. I figured we would walk some open fields, he would carry the bird on his arm and if we kicked something up the bird would go for it. Wrong.
   The first thing we did that I wasn't expecting was going to a little patch of woods in Ann Arbor, that sits between a Meijer Department Store and a townhouse community. No more than a couple acres of trees, if that. Definitely not the open fields I was expecting. Then we got out of the car, he got Chloe out, checked her over, lifted his arm and she took off... I was stunned. I don't know why I thought the hawk was going to hunt from his arm, but I did. I guess I figured if she flew free she just wouldn't come back. She flew quite a ways off and perched in the top of a tall Oak tree near the Meijer. Then the really cool stuff started happening.

   Scott mentioned that wasn't really the direction he had hoped she would fly, I was thinking to myself "no kidding..." We walked a short distance towards her, he lifted his arm again, and blew a little toot on a whistle. He had to whistle a couple of times, but she flew right back to his arm. He gave her a little tid-bit of meat, turned her towards the woods we were going to hunt, and off she went again. This time to a tree on the edge of the woods.
   I was already impressed, and surprised by the way it looked like this was going to work. It was already not what I was expecting at all. But I thought I had it figured out now. The bird would hold it's perch in the tree, and we would probably circle around the side of the woods and push back through, to try to drive whatever critters we could towards her. Wrong again.
   Scott pointed a couple of directions, said you go that way and I'll go this way, and told me if I kicked up a rabbit to yell "Ho Ho"... Alrighty then, we headed straight into the woods and started walking away from the bird. I was confused again, I wondered how the bird would get the rabbit if we were pushing away from the bird. We only got a short distance into the woods when I heard the wing beats and turned to see Chloe take a new perch, right between Scott and I. A little further... The bird did the same thing. Wow! That was so cool... I was awe struck.

   That may not be so impressive to some, but let me explain. Chloe is not tame. She wasn't even born in captivity. In Michigan if the raptor a falconer chooses to fly is a native species, you have to capture your bird from the wild. (With proper licences and permits.) I think this is to insure survival rates of lost birds and fly-aways. Chloe is a wild animal.
   When I realized that she was just going to follow along with us like that, I really got into it. I got myself a nice hefty stick, and went to work. I walked over brush piles and dead-falls, poked and prodded into them with the stick. I turned things over. I looked in, and prodded inside hollow logs. I stomped and crashed brush trying to get anything to flush and run.
   Then it happened. I jumped a rabbit... The words came out of my mouth as if I had said them a thousand times before. It was almost an instinctual reaction. "Ho! Ho!" The rabbit ran, I called out, and Chloe flew into action it seemed almost simultaneously. Time seemed to slow down, as the bird's speed increased. It flew easily around trees as it's dive homed in on the rabbit. Chloe made her strike, the rabbit shot to the side at the very last second, and Chloe missed her mark. I didn't care. That was one of the most incredible things I had ever seen. Afterwards, she got a bit of food for her efforts, we hunted our way back to the car and headed home.
   Here is this wild bird. Flying completely free, able to fly off and go wherever it wants. And yet, it chose to follow two men into the woods. For me that was the most surprising part of the whole experience. It really impressed on me the intelligence of a hawk. It knew that we were working for it. It knew if it followed us we would give it an opportunity to eat. It knew we were a team. Not only that, but it used strategy by continuously placing itself directly between the two of us. Two species working together for a common goal. A true symbiotic relationship.

   This next set of pictures is Scott and Shakespeare. Shakespeare is a male Red-tail hawk. Males are typically smaller than the females, and Shakespeare is a much smaller, more streamline animal than Chloe. He also had a much different disposition. He was a little more leery of strange people, a little more skittish on the arm. He didn't like me getting in his face with the camera.
   Every bird of Scott's I've had the opportunity to interact with has taught me something I hadn't realized before. There is no "love" from hawk to man. There is no compassion, or loyalty. These birds are not pets. They are food driven, and smart enough to capitalize on opportunity. Shakespeare obviously did not like people. It was obvious he did'n even like to be handled by Scott. And yet, he still was willing to work with us to increase his chance of making a kill and and getting a meal.

   It's been a while since I have gone out with Scott and his birds.  We worked  together at one time, and now we just don't cross paths as often. But I know more opportunities will come. And when they do I won't miss the chance to learn more about this unique lifestyle, and these incredible birds.
   Scott recently obtained his first American Kestrel. The bird is still not ready to hunt. But he did invite me to just come take some pictures of the bird. So I did. I've included some of those pictures here as well. And I am looking forward to hunting with this bird when it's ready too.
   The final pictures are of my friend Harold and a Red-tail Hawk. I don't know Harold as well, we worked together at the same place with Scott. He was only there for a short period of time. He and Scott were friends previously. I have only been hunting with Harold once. But I definitely wanted to give him a mention, as he is a part of the awesome experiences with these birds. He usually flies Harris Hawks. I hope to be able to get some good pictures of them one of these days, but that chance hasn't come yet. Just one more experience to look forward to in my future...

 
 

 

   I shared with you some of my feelings about hunting, and one of  my experiences with falconry. How do you feel about hunting? Would you like to go hunt with these majestic birds? Just to have that experience, to be able to say "I did that". Or do you think it is wrong, or even cruel? I'd like to hear what you think. Please, take just a minute to leave a comment and share your view, or your experience. And thanks for reading my story.

Proceed With Caution

   Well, I had a nice happy post prepared, with lot's of new pictures of places and critters to share. A sappy story with a morale and a message... Then I found out I was out of photo storage on my free google account. The option of resolution they offered was to upgrade my account and pay for more storage. I decided to delete a couple of previous posts to create space for new pictures. But then found out it may take more than forty-eight hours for the change to reflect in my available storage. Call it cheap, call it broke, doesn't matter I'm both. I can't afford to put money into my blog of thirty-three members. Not even three bucks a month. This blog hasn't made me any money... And even though some form of advertising is in my future here, in all reality this blog will probably never make any money. That's just reality.
   I hope you don't take that wrong. I've gotten everything I wanted out of this endeavor, and more. It has been an extremely rewarding experience. This is a place I can come and say whatever I want, and I do. And as much as I want my words to reach and affect people, you can read it or not... It doesn't matter to me. This is my therapy, my outlet, my out-reach, my education, and my reality.
   None of that is what I came here to talk about though, I figured that since I could not post pictures for a time, I would write about things that don't require pictures. No beautiful animals, colorful flowers, vibrant scenery, or family photos. No fluffy words, or padded messages. Although hopefully, I will end with a morale to the story. Today I came to write about reality.
   If you are a sensitive reader, turn back now. This isn't for you. If you are a member of my family, proceed with caution... Or don't read further. If you are some one that sees me through the rose colored glasses an internet friendship creates, you may be in for a surprise. In other words... If you don't want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly, this is the time to hit the back-button and go back to facebook, or G+, or where ever it is you came here from, and forget you ever came here.

   Over the last... Oh, fifteen to twenty years. I have gotten the same question from a number of people. Important people, my family, my life-long friends. Even sometimes when they don't ask me directly, I can see the question in their eyes... "Jon, where has the smile gone?"
   Admittedly, I am not as playful as I once was. I don't laugh as often, or smile as much. I have a more serious attitude, and somewhat resigned outlook. I've given different people different answers to this question, usually whatever answer will end that conversation the quickest. Because the question is not really fair.
   There are a lot of things that happen in life that affect our smiles, and a lot of those things have happened in my life. A lot of those things happen in everyone's lives. I'm not special in that regard. But instead of trying to answer a loaded question... Let me propose a few questions to you, and share some experiences while I consider my answer. Then, if you can relate with any of them, you can tell me, how you have kept your own smile. And maybe we can learn together.
   I'm not going to use names, only references. The experiences I will share are brief synopsis of some very long periods of time in my life. Jump to conclusions and make assumptions at your own peril.

   I'll start with the most obvious question, and the most cliche'. Have you ever loved someone, and lost in love? I have. I gave someone my heart, which was everything I had to give. She was the love of my life. My soul-mate, if you believe in such things. But at that time in my life, I wasn't ready. It's a longer story than I want to get into here. But in the end, I wasn't ready. I left her. She left me. I haven't seen or heard from her since.  There was never a time in my life when I felt happier. There has never been a time since, that my heart has felt as full. And I never want to feel that way again. It hurt too much to lose it. And it takes a little something out of you.
   The next question I would ask, just as obvious, is have you ever been abused? I have. Physically. Sexually.  Emotionally. And as a result of the three, I believe Spiritually. I remember my step-father pulling me across the yard by my hair, screaming at me because I hadn't stacked the firewood in the back yard. Or worse yet... Of all the people I've ever known, all the low-life scumbags and ruthless characters I've run across in my days, in all the confrontations I have had with people, the only person who has literally spit in my face... Is my own father. My Hero... My Mentor. And I remember things now from younger in my childhood, things that at this point in life there is no point in mentioning, no good can come from it. But the fact remains those memories and more, are there. And it takes a little something out of you.
   From here, for me anyway, the questions get a little tougher. And the order I want to ask them is a little more difficult to choose. I'll continue with this question next, because these situations in my own life, have probably had the least impact on my ability to smile. But it has had it's affects. Have you experienced the passing of a loved one? I have, and in the last five years the rate of that happening seems to have increased. I've lost close friends, an uncle, two grand-father figures, my grandmother, my father. I am glad to be able to say that at the time of each, I was at peace with my relationship with those people. Not everyone gets that luxury, and I don't have to explain losing someone you love. It takes a little something out of you.
   Then I would ask if you've ever done anything your ashamed of? Something deplorable, something that eats at you? Something that makes it hard to sleep at night? This is one of the hardest questions for me to answer, the hardest one to be honest about. I have. And not just one thing, many things. Some worse than others. I have stolen from my family. I've lied, cheated, used, abused, deceived  the list goes on. I've killed and tortured the little creatures that I'm so sensitive and sappy about now. I have stolen and destroyed peoples property without a care or concern if it was their last. Or if it was the only something they had, that meant anything. I've done all these things and worse. I've done things that will never get written about here, things that will never get spoken of anywhere. There are some of you out there who may think I have told you my deepest, darkest secrets. I haven't. Whenever I meet someone these days that I affected in these ways I do my best to say more than I'm sorry, I try to make  it clear that I don't live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. I try to make amends with everyone I can. And do whatever good deeds I can. I've had quite a bit of success with this approach and I have made amends with most people in my life. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, and a long list of genuine friends that very few can boast. But some of these situations will never be resolved, it's not possible. And all of it together takes a more than a little something out of you.
   I only have a couple of questions left. Then I'll try to make all of this make sense. So, next question is have you ever had to live in place, for a long period of time, where you feel lost, where every day is spent in fear? This covers a very wide variety of situations... And, as all of the questions I've asked, there are many ways one could relate to this question. I have. I spent about three and a half years in prison, for some of the reasons I expressed in the last question. I don't try to claim innocence, or pass responsibility. I did what I did. I paid the consequences. And I try and do live a better life now. But all those days and nights spent watching over my shoulder, all the holidays and birthdays and special events that ticked by one by one, all the missed memories... And then there are the memories that I did't miss while I was there. Those are harder to deal with still. It all takes a toll, and it takes a little something out of you.
   Some of you may be able to relate to some of these circumstances and questions, some not. We all have our own circumstances. I myself have so many more that I could add to any one of these questions. But my final question is one that I think everyone can relate to in some way or another. Have you ever felt like you try to pick yourself up, time after time to brush the dust off, only to be knocked back down to the dirt? I have. I'm sure I don't even have to get into it, it's called life, you know... And it takes a little something out of you.

   Now, I'm not writing this to try to make anyone feel sorry for me, quite the opposite really. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not trying to cause arguments in my family, or hard feelings with friends.This post is not directed at any individual. Many of the things I have discussed, and things I haven't, have been resolved many years ago. I warned you about reading this, and about jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.
   I'm not even writing this because I have been asked this question. As loaded as the question is, it's a genuine question born of love and concern. But someone else asking this question is not the reason. I'm writing this because I ask myself all the time... "Jon, where's the smile gone?" and these are some of the things that need to be considered to answer the question. I'm writing this for my own benefit and personal gain. If you can gain some insight into why I am who I am, or even better why you are who you are, all the better for it.
   I guess when all is said and done. If I had to answer that question, "Where has the smile gone?" my answer would be as follows.

   A smile is not merely a grin on someone's face. It is a look in someones eye. It's carried in their posture. The person that gives a smile feels it in their heart, and so does the person who receives it. A smile can say thank-you or your welcome, please or thank-you. A smile can say I appreciate you, or I love you. A smile can say I feel comfortable in your presence, it can say I trust you.
   Where has my smile gone? Nowhere. I still have it. I never lost it. Admittedly, I don't share it as freely. I protect it. I even hide it. But it's still there. Most smiles are not free,  and while a few are... The ones you really feel are earned. And when my smile does appear, when I do feel my smile... When you do.... It means that much more.

   So, is everyone as excited as I am to get back to posting pictures...