This is me today, well, this picture was taken almost a week ago, but I haven't changed that much in a week. Today is my forty-first birthday. I was born this day in 1971, in Ann Arbor, Michigan. This picture was taken in Ann Arbor, I have stayed in the general vicinity of this town for most of my life. I did live in Massachusetts for several years, and I had a little more than a three and a half year stay with the not so fine folks of the Michigan Department of Corrections, between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two. But that's for another story.
Where am I at in the "Big Picture" today? I don't know, I don't even think I know what the "Big Picture" is... I have always kinda lived life off the cuff, without a plan, you know. Most of the time I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow, much less in life. I have always been like this, and there are some attractive aspects to living like this, but the older I get the more I feel like maybe I should have looked to the future at least a little. I'm realizing now that it is good to live in the moment... But if you don't have a destination you just kind of wander around, and never get anywhere. And that is kind of where I feel I am today. I have led an interesting life no doubt. I have had a lot of unique experience. But all the same I'm just hangin' here in limbo, going nowhere.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not an unhappy guy. I'm pretty satisfied with myself as a person, that's not the issue. You see, my body seems to be falling apart from a life of hard knocks, hard work, and harder playing. I have always been a very strong person, and most of the jobs I've had have relied on that fact. When I am out "playing" (whatever that may be at the time) I always use to go with reckless abandon, no regard for personal safety. Now, with a bad back, bad knees, nerve damage in my legs, issues with a rotator cuff, digestive troubles, and my teeth falling out of my face... The physical stuff doesn't come as easily and naturally as it use too. And when I fall I don't get up quite as quickly...
Now, it's not like I just woke up and had an epiphany this morning. I have been forced into realizing this over a period of time. And it's not like I'm incapacitated or anything. I just have to be a little more careful about things, exercise a little caution you know. And I do have to be able to accept that I am just not capable of some of the things I use to be able to do. And that is okay. I do need to make up for that in other ways If I want to continue forward in life. That's where maybe a little better planning may have made things a little easier. Things like an education (from schools), or a long term career, or a some savings are all things that more often than ever I wish I had paid more attention too. I do have a lot of other skills that I have pushed to the back-burner for most of my life. But they are kind of like unexercised muscles, and it will take some time and effort to learn how to use them again.
Not all is lost in a forlorn effort to "catch up" in life though. I have some tools and advantages that many people don't have. I have an incredible support system for one. My family is awesome. I know that whatever happens in my life, they have my back. They will be there when I need them. It has already been proven time and time again. And the friends I have... Let's just say I am very fortunate, and I know it. I also have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I'm a very capable person. I can learn anything, if I put my mind to it, and I can usually do it pretty quickly. I have a brain and I'm not afraid to use it. And one more advantage I have (at least I see it as an advantage) is that I have absolutely no responsibility to anyone but myself. I'm single, I don't have any kids, and I don't have any real financial overhead. I don't have much for finances either, but I'm able to live a fairly low cost life. I don't have extravagant needs. And I kinda like it that way.
I have started to take some steps to get things right though, but, as is par for course in my world, there have been some SNAFU's along the way. I am trying to get enrolled in school, with a Pell Grant, but I made some critical errors and am now going through the appeal process with financial aid. (You can read about that in my Back to School post's.) If that doesn't work out I will have to go the road of student loans. I don't like the idea of student loans without any financial security, but I have to complete my education. It is a must. Otherwise, I may not ever have financial security. I'm thinking I want to concentrate on something in photography and back it up with some writing. Maybe that should be the other way around, but I enjoy photography more, and to me that's more important.
I also have a pittance invested in an IRA, it's pretty insignificant in the scope of things but it's a start.
A job would be nice, I never have had an easy time landing jobs. I've do have a couple marks against me. In today's job market though, it seems nearly impossible to get even a menial job. A job would make saving money a little easier, and school would make getting a decent job a little easier, and a little money would make going to school a little easier, and a job would make saving money a little easier...Oh wait...Haven't we been there before. My dad often liked to say, "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got." And that is it in a nutshell. It is all about breaking the cycle. If what your doing isn't working, you have got to do something else. Sounds pretty simple, even if it doesn't always turn out to be. However, I will break the cycle.
I am trying to do things differently these days. I am trying to do things to make a better future for myself. (Better late than never.) It is going to be a slow process, but it is at least a process, and that in itself is an improvement. Maybe with the efforts to change some of my thinking, I will change some of my results. I have set some goals for myself for this year. That is also something I've never done. I am hoping that by having a destination (or goal), that I might actually go somewhere in life instead of just hanging in limbo...
If you are reading this and you are my age or there about, I hope that by sharing my efforts and struggles, you may also realize that it isn't too late to make changes in your own life. And If you are younger than me I hope that you can look at my position and the difficulties I am facing, and utilize it to get yourself into a better position before you get to this point. If I could offer one piece of advice to the younger generation... It would be to take care of business now, while you are young and capable, and secure a position in life that allows you to kick back and enjoy life later. A point will come in your life too, when things are not going to be as easy as they use to be.
So take it or leave it... This is just me speaking my mind. Until next time...
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